Vell's Rainbowfied Life.

Monday, March 14, 2005

What do I want

Yesterday went to the airport to send my dad off. He was going back to Jkt after 2 nights in S'pore. It was like a transit btw. I dunno why I wasnt feeling overjoyed or anything this time. I felt happy when I saw him at the airport, but after we touched on the money matter, the mood was ruined. *Sigh* I dont and cant understand why he always make such a big fuss over money. I admit I am not a good treasurer (I take care of the money in S'pore). But I was short of money that time. And I only over-used a few bucks from the shopping budget. He looked so disappointed when I told him about it. I cant understand why is he so calculative towards his own children. Its not like I'm very spendthrift or something. Oh well..He just wont understand me either. He doesnt understand any of his kids anyway. Coz he's busy worrying for his money. I know its hard to earn money. And I'm grateful for his hardwork. But! he needs to know that I treat my younger sis most of the time when we go out. Coz her allowance isnt enough most of the time. Does he know? Does he care? I doubt it. He nvr even ask.

In the afternoon, a few hrs before his departure, he asked me bout the home phone bill. He asked me why am I not taking care of it. I'm supposed to sort and calculate my aunt's phone usage. But I dare not tell him my real thoughts, so I only smiled stupidly at him. (I dont feel good if I straight away sort it with my aunt. It's like I'm so money face) And once again he looked disappointed and told me how can I handle money, some sort of bookkeeping I guess. I felt so sad when I heard him say that. I felt like I had let him down. But at the same time, I felt sad coz he had said such discouraging words. I myself am so disappointed with him. That's why I often envy my friends' parents who can show them care, understanding, love, supports. Whenever they fail any exams, their parents will still encourage them and console them. If I were to fail or get bad grades, I cant and wont wanna imagine how my parents will react.

I wasn't able to put a happy face in front of my dad. I had tried to force myself to smile, but I couldnt. I felt so lonely, especially after the friendship thingy. So many thoughts playing on my mind, which will nvr be solved. I couldnt stand it. I felt so stressed up. I was hoping I could tell somebody about what I'm thinking of or my feelings, but there was no one to turn to. I often cry inside, I wanna cry out loud but couldnt coz there would always be somebody at home. I had been feeling so uneasy after I tried to switch my religion back to Buddhist. I'm faced with a conflict, mentally. I tend to feel upset and irritated more easily. There was no peace and joy deep in my heart anymore. I felt like there's somethin' missing in my life.

After my day had finally entered the departure gate, my sis n I went to have dinner at BK terminal 1. Had a meal and chat with her. Complained bout our parents and bout how envious I am of other people's parents. And about the religion thingy too. When I was telling her bout how I felt towards our parents, I couldnt fight back my tears. I was actually crying at BK. That's how sad I was, after so long thinking and keeping it to myself. I guess my sis was rather surprised when she saw me crying. She tried to console me and I'm grateful for her encouragement. I told her that I'm lack of parents' love and attention. I need their support and also understanding. I know I'm too old for this kindda thing, but I still wanna feel loved by my parents. I havent feel it since young. I know that they love me, which parents dont love their children, right? But they nvr put their love into action. That's why I always say that I dont wanna grow up. Coz they're giving my mind a lot of trouble which can make me break down and cry.

And about the religion, I told my sis that I've been feeling empty and didnt feel my purpose of life anymore ever since we're trying to switch religion. My sis understood and had actually felt the same kindda feeling as well. So she encouraged me to just follow what I want. I still believe in God and its hard for me to remove Him from my heart n mind. I realised that I was irritated and was in bad mood so often for the past few mths. I dont like it, at all! I wanna feel joyful and blessed again. I wanna say prayer and be thankful to Him again. At least, I could tell God about how I felt in the past. I could pray and cry to Him. I'd feel alright soon after that. But now, not anymore. I need to return to Him. I dunno how will I succeed in the future. But I gotta do it this time. At least for the time being, since I'm still in S'pore. I wanna worship Him one more time. Hopefully, my parents will accept it one day. I'll pray for that moment to come.

After I had let out all my feelings to my sis, I finally felt better and lighter. It's like the burden in my mind was removed a li'l bit. I could finally smile and laugh with her. And she suddenly became more caring towards me, well... at least for a few days. I'm thankful enough though.

Vell Signed off ♥ 11:59 PM