Vell's Rainbowfied Life.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

A HURT OR BLESSING?

Something HUGE just happened to me and no..it wasn't a good thing. I got heartbroken. The news came to me slowly by Jy. Though it was slow...but it was steady. Pierced through so quickly and deeply. My stomach churned, my fingers went all cold with the cold night breeze blowing so strongly. I got confused, but I smiled a weird and broken smile. I didn't wanna believe it so easily coz perhaps due to the trust I have with that person. I feel that I know him better than the rest do. Especially the new girl who just appeared into the picture. I'm not trying to defend or cover him up. But I know his treatment towards me wasn't fake after all this while. He said that between the 2 of them, there was no special feelings attached. Perhaps the questions he asked her got her to misunderstood his intentions. I read her blog this afternoon and even as I read it, I knew that it was mostly his fault for being ignorant and insensitive. The way he questioned her was showing concern more than a normal friend would. Maybe coz we're female. And female tend to be more sensitive and thinks wayyy more than male do. So, who to blame now?

Even with the trust I had, it wasn't enough. There's an extremely thin line between love and hate. The funny thing is that, we can shift from love to hate in a blink of an eye but not vice versa. Once we enter hatred, it's difficult to return back to love. Maybe coz we feel hurt and thus it's not easy to love again. Nonetheless, we as Christians have to learn to be more forgiving and merciful right? Just like Jesus is to us even after we've hurt Him repetitiously. Having said that, it's still difficult for me to be like Him in such situation. I'm just a mere human being who's not perfect. Once my trust is broken, it's gonna be a tougher journey for both of us.

Moments like this makes me long for my family alot. I miss Mercy most of all. He's the only one who can show sincere love towards people. He gets so excited when he sees me. Oh how I treasure him so much. Thank God for my jie's friend who gave him as a gift. Hehehe.

Anyways...I did more than crying last night and even today. I wailed like a baby who hasn't been fed for half a day! It was too much information at one time. I find it hard to digest. I find it hard to speak out my mind too. Even when I've finally say out what was on my mind, the questions that's been haunting me down for the past few hours, I find it hard to believe the replies that I get. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel and think.

Can't remember when was the last time I wailed. It felt kindda good actually. But the bad thing is that it starts to grow into bitterness and a sense of suspiciousness, unable to believe in other people anymore.

I've to learn from this incident. However, I still wanna try to trust him once again. Everyone do need at least a second chance right? Even murderers and thieves do too. But I guess it'll be harder to establish now. *Sigh* The most important thing to do now is to pray, get closer to God and ask Him to remove this bitterness and accusation in my heart. Remove this condemnation that I have towards him in my mind.

--Lord, here I am...Forgiven so that I can forgive--

Vell Signed off ♥ 9:45 PM